"But I was sure about me, about everything, surer than he could ever be, sure of my life and sure of the death I had waiting for me. Yes, that was all I had. But at least I had as much of a hold on it as it had on me. I had been right, I was still right, I was always right. I had lived my life one way and I could just as well have lived it another. I had done this and I hadn't done that. I hadn't done this thing but I had done another. And so? It was as if I had waited all this time for this moment and for the first light of this dawn to be vindicated."
- The Stranger

i dont

owe anybody anything.
i dont have to explain myself and i dont live for anybody but myself.
sorry, but thats just the way i work.
i'm happy with where im at and what im doing, and thats all that matters. let's just leave it at that and move on.

I feel like I'm already done with highschool. I'm ready to leave, ready to say goodbye. I'm ready to start my life and get a move on...



"Hunger drives the beast, human
or otherwise, and it is
the essence of humanity.
Hunger for food. Power.
Sex. All tangled together.



Hunger that gave me
the courage to knock on
a stranger's door. Looking
back, I realize the danger.
But then I felt invincible.
Or maybe just starved."
- Ellen Hopkins, Tricks

it feels good to finally do what i want. it's my life, and i could make my own decisions. i don't live for other people's pleasure. i live for my own, and i don't think people realize this.

i was once so convinced that i was a girl with definitive interests, goals, and ideas.

truth is i didn't have a clue as to who i was.
i still don't.
but the fact that i've realized this makes me feel better than ever. i'm finally secure in my indecisiveness and it feels great to finally just take on the world.



"oh girl, shock like an electric eel. you turn me on with your electric feel." - song never gets old for me.

"you want what you can't have, oh girl that's too damn bad."

story of my life.
everything in this world that i enjoy or love are things unattainable to me.
call me greedy. i just want to be happy, and i wont be until i finally get a hold of what i want.
college, poland, love, whatever, i'll get it all sooner or later.
it just sucks that i can't be content with what i have now.
why cant i just settle and take what i can get?

amazing

i feel like i've been on ecstasy all week, and everything just keeps getting better and better.
i love the world right now.

Can i just say

that it feels so amazing to have my own money and spend it any way I please. It shouldn't be such a big deal, but I feel so weirdly empowered by it. I finally have a job and I finally have my own, hard earned money to spend. It's so crazy how excited I am by just a smidge of independence.
I don't know how I'm going to handle going away to college. I think my head might explode with joy because I'll just feel so amazing over the fact that I'll be on my own.

chills

its easy

to look like you got your shit together.

it's weird how things can turn out in life

i've been scared of taking chances for so long, and because of that, i've missed important life lessons and opportunities in my life. i miss old friendships that I once had. However, at the time of these friendships, I was too oblivious to realize what I had. Instead, I just let go. i had feelings that i ignored and chances I could have taken, but I resorted to the back seat to life. now im watching everything that i could have had and i'm wishing it was me. i know i could still take control, and get everything back, but I would be hurting way too many people in the process.
I don't regret not taking the chances though, because now I've learned how important it is to just go by my instinct and live my life freely. I feel enlightened now, and i know that it's okay that I missed out. I have other things going in my life right now that I'm grateful for, and I've learned a lot about myself. However, I will admit that I miss my old friendships, and it hurts just a little bit every time i say hello, because i know i messed up.

I guess some things are just irreplaceable and irreparable, so there's not much i could do about the past. what happened has happened. i just have to live and learn, and hope for the best. repeating mistakes is a no no.

night crawlerrr

i seem to all of sudden get interested in homework once its time for bed. inspiration hits me all of a sudden this urge to write and work takes over. it's pretty weird.
i have some early action deadlines due this week. I'm only doing like two schools early action, and I regret not getting on the ball earlier and doing it for more schools. However, I just will make my application much better for the regular deadlines in January.

its been a weird week, and i've been considering a lot of things lately. i've come to terms with the fact that most of the close friends I have now won't be so close next year. it's a little disheartening to figure who i'll lose and who i won't, but it also gives me a sense of security to know whats to come. the only problem is that i might end up distancing myself from people who i feel i'll lose touch with. i don't want to do it, but part of me has that instinct. i'm going to try to live it up, and live without any inhibitions. i really dont want to intentionally lose friends or make this year harder for myself. i just want a memorable senior year, and so far, its been exactly that.

i'm figuring who i am as a person, and what really interests me. im not afraid anymore either to just do what i want. granted, i tend to do this a little too aggresively and rudely, but im working on that. im still a teen. i make mistakes, so i apologize in advance if i offend.

winter is creeping up and im hating it. im done with the fall and ready for spring. honestly, i dont need the winter. fuck a white christmas. i just want to be warm on the holidays.

"Are you an only child?"
"No..."
"You seem like one."


Yeah, maybe it's because it seems like I don't have a brother anymore....

finally

i feel like my life is finally falling into place, like things that are supposed to happen are happening. i don't feel so anxious about my future anymore, and my befuddlement as to what i'm going to do with my life has faded. I am still unsure about what I aim to do, but I have a sense of direction now, with a lot of confidence. It doesn't really matter what I do, or even where I go, as long as I'm happy. I know it sounds cliche, but I just made this realization.
The prestige of a college I go to doesn't matter. It's my experience and joy at that college that really counts. For so long, I thought that I HAD to go to Harvard, because everyone told me to. I was fooled into believing that Ivy's were the best, and only the careers of lawyers and doctors mattered, both of which I had no interest in.
Well, none of it is true, and even if it were, I wouldn't care. Now that I think about it, I'd be content as long as I could travel the world, fall in love, and have the financial stability of some luxury in my life. I think that's what everybody looks for in life, to some extent, but so many people get lost in the pursuit of prestige and respect. The job title or degree doesn't earn you those things, though. It's you as a person. Your life, your feelings, and your actions are what earn you the appreciation of others.

There. That's my ramble for the day.

i just submitted a college application

and i want to cry.
i can't believe that i've gotten so old, and that i'm finally at this point in my life. I'm getting things done, making my own decisions and planning out my future. Soon, I'll be starting a new chapter to my life. I'll be experiencing things I've dreamed about as well as things that I've never even thought of.
I'm my own person now and it's time to grow up and grab life by the horns.

new attitude

I haven't had the best attitude about things lately, and i'm trying to have a new perspective on life. I'd elaborate, but I don't think I should have to. I'm just trying to do things differently from now on.


Live fearlessly and love endlessly.

"Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die."



Who knew that I'd find Hamlet so fascinating.

stalkers are not cool.
weird love letters are also not cool.
oh and i decided that college applications aren't fun anymore.
neither is worrying about scholarships for college.

is it too much for me to want a good education?

this country pushes kids to go to college, but the when it comes to footing the bill, they turn a blind eye.

"the world fascinates me."
- Andy Warhol


i think i might make this my senior quote. it's simple, to the point, and pretty much sums me up. i recall saying things like this before, so it just seems fitting to make it my quote. i'm interested in everyone and everything. the world pulls me in so many directions, and that's just why i'm so indecisive when it comes to picking a career or place to live in my future.

iParty called me!

I have an interview on Wednesday for the job.
It's my first interview ever, let alone job interview, so I'm excited.
I'm wicked nervous though because I don't know if they'll take me because of my soccer schedule. I need a job but I don't want to give up my extracurriculars, that's for sure. The extra money could really help out, but giving up school activities my senior year isn't exactly smart in my opinion.
I guess I'll have to see how this all will work out. Most likely this job is just for the Halloween season, so I should be all set.

something about this year

just isn't right.

empire state of mind

US Open was possibly one of the best things ever. Honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself the whole time. Being around so many people who love tennis and watching professionals play at such a huge skill level was unbelievable. It was so much fun too, and everyone there, both the fans and the workers, were so friendly. Watching the semi-finals match between Caroline Wozniacki and Yenina Wickmayer, I couldn't believe that these girls played tennis for a living. I got to admit, I was a little envious.
It was amazing though. Like always, being in New York was fun. The more I visit, the more right it seems for me to be there. Taking the subway and just being one of the New Yorkers felt good.
I got 'Empire State of Mind' by Jay on replay. Took me forever to find the song cause I only heard the chorus before and had no idea who sang the song.

I miss Poland sometimes :( Not always though cause I've been too busy. I guess it's a good thing

things to do

1. homework
2. homework
3. homework
4. find a job
5. play soccer
6. homework
7. power point presentation for mr. levine
8. college essay
9. stats project


the craziness is just starting. yessss

My last day of summer

begins in exactly 56 minutes.
I would like to say that I will be living it to the fullest, but sadly that isn't going to happen. I've saved some summer work for the last minute, and like I have for the past few days, I'll be home tomorrow getting it all done. I'm kicking into back-to-school mode, and I'm wondering how long my studiousness and sanity will last until I'm finally crying for a vacation or trip to Poland.
Good luck to all my undergrads going off to college. Keep me posted on college life. I'm interested cause that's going to be me next year....

one week left

till life gets crazy for me again. it's back to school time!

To be honest, I'm actually looking forward to school. Despite the fact that I know I will be overloaded with school work and other responsibilities, causing me to stress out and quite possibly have a nervous breakdown, I'm looking forward to my upcoming senior year. The whole idea of it just gets me excited, and I really can't believe it's my last year in high school. I can't wait for all the cliches, too - working on the yearbook, doing fundraising for the senior class, senior events like prom, and anything else that might happen. I won't let school get to me too much this year either. I'll still be giving it my all and working into the AM to get homework done, but I'll make sure to save some time for myself somehow, because I rarely do that.

Other than that, I'm worried about getting my license. I'm nervous about the road test and wondering if I'll do well. It's about time that I finally have some more independence so I can chauffeur myself around, rather than asking my parents.

I'm going to Boston on Wednesday to tour Northeastern and BU. I love visiting Boston, and I still haven't seen Boston University so I'm anxious about that. I can't wait to hop on that train and go off to Beantown :)

Going to Boston reminded me also that I'll be going to New York again soon for the US Tennis Open. I am beyond ecstatic about that. I always have the greatest time up in New York anyways because my cousin is super nice, and New York is super amazing. :)

Life is good :) (minus the fact that Poland is so far away, but what else is new? i always complain about missing the PL)

i'm going to end this long blog now, not just cause it's long, but because it's 1 in the morning and I should be going to sleep. Toodles

vacation's over

even though school doesn't start for another two weeks.
i'm packed with summer reading, and even though I have tons left to do, I'm not stressing. I'm surprised at how calm I am about all my work, but I feel like I'm going to get this all done easily. I was worried about writing my essays but they're pretty much writing themselves. I'm flying through it.
Other than that, I have so many things to do. Hair appointment, doctor appointment, senior photos, road test, soccer practice, etc etc. This is my only free week and then the craziness begins. Wicked nervous about starting school and getting on top of applications and college essays. I really wish I could just skip all this and go straight to college.

getting into the swing of things

So three days ago I finally came back to America and landed in New York. I didn't want to leave Poland, but I guess I had to. Let's just say the past three weeks were the best I've had this year. As expected, the goodbyes at the airport were a bit teary, but I didn't break down as bad as I thought I would, haha.
I'm still adjusting to the time zone, and for the past few days I've been waking up at 6 am because technically, it's 12 in the afternoon for me. Other than that nothing too exciting has been going on. I've just been getting myself together, doing summer reading and practicing for my road test next month. I'm going to Maine next week which I can't wait for cause I need a tan and I haven't been swimming at all yet this year.
Wicked nervous about college apps recently. I don't where or how to start. I have an idea for my college essay and I'm hoping it'll come out good. I really don't know how this year will pan out, and I'm wondering where I'll be moving off to this time next year for college. I'm hoping for NYC but I'm not setting myself on that. Anything could happen.

happy camper

I'm having a great time in Poland. My flight here was boring but not too bad. My godson is the cutest thing ever and I can't stand it. I'm glad I made this trip because I'm starting to figure things out as to what I'll do here if I do ever decide to move. Things are looking good so far, and I never want to leave this place.
On another note, I'm already getting into the college app spirit, and I can't wait to finally get my senior year over with. Also, I think I got a 5 on my AP exams but I'm not quite sure yet cause I didn't get a letter in the mail yet, just a call from the guidance counselor. So I'm not getting my hopes up until I have official proof.
thats about all though. this polak is off to do some shopping. :)

up, up, and away

I'm packing my bags right now and it just doesn't feel real. I've waited so long that I can't believe I'm actually leaving. I'm getting up early tomorrow to drive off to New York, cause I'm taking a direct flight out from there to Warsaw. I've never been to the JFK airport so it should be interesting. So I'll have a 5 hour drive to the airport and then an 8 hour flight. Yipee.
My cousin is going to meet me at the airport in Poland with her husband. A whole year is just too long to not see someone, so I'm really excited to meet up with them.
In a week I should be stuffing my face with birthday cake because my godson's birthday is on the 17th. I might meet up with Monika in Poland towards the end of my trip, too :) Sexy time in Krakow ;)
Now I'm off to finish packing and to paint my toenails so that I can look fresh ta deffff :)
Peace&love.

new song of my life

lil wayne - no quitter, no getter



i'm allergic to cheatin and I hate failure
and i'm in love with achievement above and beneath it
a hug when i greet it
my eyes on the prize and i love when i seek it
done with the speakin begun with the preachin
now pray until i am one with the deacon
now play until i have won whatever we win
i play until i have won and then i re-win

Women's US Open Tennis Final

I'm going! My cousin got us tickets and she's taking me as an early birthday present.
:))))
Wicked psyched! I've been wanting to go for like ever and I made it a goal of mine to go one day. Life couldn't be better right now.

mentally, i'm not even here anymore.
I'm on the plane, ready to take my flight.
too bad I still have four days left.

so ready

to go to poland and get away.
so ready to graduate now and leave everything behind.
im just ready to pack up and start a new life in a new place [COUGH poland COUGH new york COUGH].
im ready to meet new people, make new friends, and face new challenges.
worcester's just killin' me

SAT's

ain't got shit on meeeee :)

I'm two weeks away from poland :) So I decided to get started early on my summer reading cause poland will take up half my summer. When I get back, I'll only have like a week before i have to start sending in some assignments via email. Next thing i know school will be back in session, so I decided to get on top of things early.
I'm also trying to get into shape for my trip to Poland so i started running lately. I feel like i'm going to die. Two weeks straight of this should do me good though.
All my driving lessons are set before poland so when i get back i can finally get my license. hopefully i wont forget how to drive, haha.


On another note, my heart is broken by sharapova's loss at Wimbledon. Today's a day for mourning, haha

p.s.

life's good. all my driving lessons are schedule before I leave for the homeland, so when I get back I can try to get my license and hopefully I'll be driving once school starts. my schedule for next year is all sorted out. none of my AP's conflict with one another, and I don't know how I should feel about that because I was kind of preparing myself mentally to drop one, and now I have to adjust to the fact that I'm keeping all of my classes.
yikes.

nine books to read this summer.
essays/reports for each one.
plus a bunch of other crap.
cool......naht.

my next phone

my iphone has been dropped so many times that it's now starting to die. it beeps when I get a text message, and then five minutes later it reminds me again of the text message, which, although convenient, isn't supposed to happen. Sometimes theres this plastic piece that comes off and I always have to clip it back in. It's sad to see my baby wither away like this, and what's more sad is that I need to get a new phone.
I really want another iphone, but I don't want to go through the hassle of getting one because I'd need to either already have AT&T or sign-up for it in order to purchase the phone. Therefore, I'd have to buy it off of somebody. On top of that, I'd have to go and hack it to work with T-Mobile, which I don't want to do cause it took me hours to hack it the first time I did it.
So, that leaves me no choice but to settle for the next-almost-not-even-close best thing, the myTouch. It's like an i-phone in that it has 3G, touch screen, no physical keyboard (hallelujah!), applications, etc.. It would be easier for me to get that cause it's with T-Mobile. It's really pretty too :)


I'm excited to get it this summer :)

redid my room

and i got rid of a lot of stuff and reorganized a lot of things. i feel weird now.
my room was never messy but I always had a little clutter, like books from school and stuff, lying on my desk. Now that school's ending, I don't have any books, and on top of that my room is extra clean, so it feels strange. I can't concentrate on studying because the empty space is distracting me.

i need help, haha.

electric feel

I know I've said it before, but I'm so done with school! I thought that what made me so miserable lately was getting up early and seeing the same obnoxious people day in and day out. I thought that what was annoying me so much were the stupid rumors and arguments taking place, amongst other ridiculous things that high schoolers do and partake in. I thought I was just sick of everybody, which although I am, doesn't totally account for my complete and utter disgust with school lately.
I'm so sick of school not just because of the stupid things I deal with everyday, but because I've missed summer so much. I seriously cannot wait for my vacation and I think about my trip to Poland everyday. The fact that I'm not there right now just kills me. I miss my family so much, and I haven't talked to them lately because I've been too busy. I just wrote to them though, and it felt so good to talk to them again - to tell them how everything's been going and to tell them how much I miss them. I know I sound so sappy and cheesy which is surprising considering how much of a grump I've been lately, but it's the real truth.
I guess I won't be truly happy till I'm on that plane.

practically out

of school so i do whatever now, and even the teachers are more laid back now. it's great because it's actually starting to feel like summer, except for the fact that the weather isn't that great. finals are next week and they're going to be cake. half of my classes i don't even have finals so i get out early or just miss the whole day. pretty flyyyy.

Jun 25 I get my SAT scores. Those should be interesting considering how I feel like i bombed on the test. I could have and should have put in more effort but I'll see what happens. I'm taking them again next year anyways, so no worries.

it's been an interesting week so far.



7.11<3

hi my name is best rapper aliveee

So I took the SAT's yesterday and it was so terrible. Four plus hours of filling in bubbles could kill a person, I swear. I completely bombed on the math sections, or at least I feel like I did. I wrote about Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky for my essay though. :) I should be guaranteed a perfect score just for that.
Nothing to worry about now except for Ganias' stupid 10 page research paper and Sebring's stupid project.

someday i'll be able to call this place home....

Four days till my SAT's.
Twenty one says till school's out.
Thirty nine days till I'm where I belong.


Summer is coming :)

my time

I've spent the past year around the seniors, hearing their rumors, gossip, complaints, and worries. I've seen them go through the college process and I've watched some of them mature into young adults. Today wrapped up the year I've spent with them. I helped with their Class Day, so I was around to see it all. Watching them at breakfast, there was something funny that I sensed, and I didn't realize until that the funny thing I was feeling was unity. The class was one. Everyone seemed content and they all seemed as one, ready to graduate and become college students. The speeches were sweet and I admit that I got teary eyed a couple times. Everything just kept reminding me of next year and how I'll have to leave everyone, but a huge part of me now understands how happy I feel.
I'm going to be embarking on my own journey soon. Now the light is on me and the rest of my class. It's time for college visits, SAT's, and college applications. It's our time to unite and become a solidified unit. The thought brings me chills and it makes me anxious. I'm sad that the seniors have to leave, because I was comfortable with being a junior. However, it's time for the class of 2010 to step up. '09 had their year and it's ending. That means it's time for a new class of seniors to take charge.
With that, so long seniors. You will be missed, but it really is time for a little perfect10n ;)

Best Week Ever

I've had the best week ever, and for no particular reason, really. Everything has just been laid back for the past couple of days and I've been in a great mood. I hope this keeps up for the rest of the school year.


I found out that we're playing Wachusett for districts this Saturday, and I don't know if I'm happy or annoyed about that. I'm happy because we played them last year at districts too, and they beat us. Then Ann and I played their second doubles team at this tournament and lost to them. I sort of want some revenge and they're a good challenge. I'm still sick of them though. All I want to tell them is to get out of my life so I could play someone else, haha. Whether we lose or not is alright. We're seeded #4 in central mass so that's not too bad :)
And who said public schools can't work it?? ;)


Home in forty four days. Considering not coming back and marrying a cute polish boy. We'll see how that works out though.

btdubz this song by Gaga is amazing and I love it. She doesn't start singing till the 1:50 mark and then around the 7:00 mark she starts to tear shit up. it's crazyy and I love the song.

Realization

Recently I've come to realize two things: how much I love high school as well as how much I can't wait to leave it. A huge part of me is looking forward to my senior year so I could take on new responsibilities and finally tackle the whole college thing. I've always loves having a sense of independence and responsibilities and next year will finally give me a full taste of that. The problem is that I'll eventually have to grow up, and give up my carelessness and indifference towards things.
I complain that I'm sick of everybody and so ready to meet new people. I say that I'm sick of high school drama and ready for some reality but the fact is that I value all of the teenage craziness going on. It reminds me of how simple my life is, and although I hate that sometimes, I'm thankful for it because I'm free from hardship. I love high school and the community feel that takes place, even though it can be a pain. I'm afraid of losing contact with people after high school, and that's what makes me so not ready to leave, despite my complaints.
I'm the worst with keeping in touch, and I've been trying really hard to make a better effort to stay in touch with people. I'm so scared of losing friends and losing contact with people because I handle those kinds of situations the worst. I'm always curious as to what's going on with people and I know I'll just go crazy if I lose someone and won't be able to talk to them. I'm so scared of that happening and that's the only reason why I want to stay in high school forever.
I guess you can say that the whole feeling is bittersweet. Part of me is so psyched to gain some freedom and independence, but another part of me is so scared to face the consequences of all that.

scholarship overdrive

i'm on the extreme hunt for money to pay for college.
it's been on my mind a lot lately so I've been looking for scholarships to apply to. I've just spent the past two hours doing scholarship stuff (research, applications, profiles, etc.) and now I'm exhausted. I can't focus anymore and I'm done with college for today.
time to do homework and then pass out.


On another note, today was our last season game, and we beat David Prouty. The next week and a half will be straight practice until Districts. Next Wednesday we find out who we're playing. Hopefully it's not Wachusett because they are way too good. We're 15-3 now, and most likely we'll be put up against some crazy team and get smashed. =/


I'll find out my SAT Subject Test scores tomorrow. That should be interesting.....

grew up dreaming of suburbia perfection and now all I want is to live in the grungy city of new york with the struggling, diverse, and rebellious.
was afraid to swear because i was afraid God would send me to hell. i could care less now, and have no idea what to believe in anymore.
used to have a role model, but now the roles are reversed.
used to dream of being a pro skater, and now i wish i was playing tennis at the French Open.
never would have thought that I would want to live in another country, especially one in which my parents left to have a better life.
thought i was always right and had the best morals.
was humbled and i learned to be more accepting.
talked to my cats....wait i still do that nevermind.




things change. i've changed.
the person I am today is a stranger to the girl I knew years ago.



57

it's over

AP stress is officially over for me, at least until next year, when I'm overloaded with AP's. That's nothing to worry about now, though. I can finally relax, watch FRIENDS all after noon, go for runs, or just do absolutely nothing. All of my others classes are jokes compared to AP, so I really have nothing to worry about. Finals will go smoothly, and I'm pretty much in summer mode already.
All I really worry about now is tennis, and that's not even like a worry. I just go in and play and I'm done. Everythings great right now, though. We made it to districts, I'm getting my SAT Subject Test scores next week (I am so not excited for that), and I feel good about how my exams went. I'm on cruise control now :)




58

I spent my Mother's Day in Shrewsbury playing tennis all day. Ann and I won a match and lost a match, so it wasn't bad. We walked out proud, and surprisingly we weren't treated like trash. Most people seemed to either not know that we were from South or completely disregard it. It was a fun experience, and it was kind of interesting to see how dedicated people are to the sport. Though, I don't think I can spend too much time around some of the people that were there.
After Ann and I won our first match this woman came up to us and congratulated us. It was some random woman and she noticed that we were about to go play Wachusett. She said she watched the Wachusett girls play and she gave us tips on how to beat them. She was really nice and encouraging. I was so taken aback by her politeness though that I didn't listen to a single word she said. I was just glad that she was being so friendly. All I could do was nod and smile, which must have seemed pretty dumb but Ann was talking for me so it was all good.
I wish I could have done something cool for mother's day but I didn't have the time and my mom doesn't really have many interests that would allow me to devise some sort of special mother's day gift or celebration for her. It's whatever, though. She knows I love her, and vice versa. We don't need the celebrations to prove that.

wiped

pimped that ap us history exam (or atleast i think so?)
pimped the tennis game (that i know for sure)
we won 4-1
it was funny hearing one of the doherty girls say "I beat South!" like she was proud. I've never heard anyone so proud to beat us, because we've never been a challenge before. thankfully, our girls tennis teams beasts the other worcester teams (and a few suburbia nobodies), so we've become this sudden threat O:).
busy weekend, and next week will be moderately busy until after wednesday.
could really care less about anything right now. i just want it to be summer, and i just want to chill.
too lazy for anything, even dress shopping. which is a shocker cause i love shopping.



63 days left.
do i have a countdown on iGoogle? you bettt.
guess home really is where the heart is.

Official Date

July 11th is when I'm finally free. Me, myself, and I on a straight flight to Poland.
Gone for three weeks.
Dream come true.
Counting down the days..

going back to what i know

I just realized that I've been so busy with life that I haven't had time to do anything that I actually enjoy, like making/editing videos, remixing music, photoshopping, and taking pictures. All those things I used to do so often for fun, and I really miss it. I want to get back into it. I'm going to try to commit some time to doing those things, and maybe even indulge in some new "toys", like a camera or something. I also just found my old guitar, and now a part of me wants to learn to play. We'll see how that pans out though.

the best

missed out

Sixteen years is a long time. I've seen and been through a lot, as everybody else. I've changed throughout the course of time both physically and mentally. I'm constantly changing, and it's so disheartening to think about how my family doesn't even know me that well. How could they? With an ocean and some countries separating you, it's pretty hard to establish a strong bond. The love and concern is there, most definitely, but the memories and connections are lacking, thanks to my geographical limitations.
Frankly, I am not satisfied with flying overseas once a year. I've been lucky enough to visit consistently for the past few years, but that's going to end soon. Besides, once a year is just not enough. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I am wasting time that could be spent with the people I love, and instead I'm stuck here.
I guess I sound a little ungrateful, and possibly spoiled for not being content with my fortunate situation of being an American citizen. However, I am very thankful to my parents for giving me the life that I've lived. They went through so much to provide me with a good life, and I realize that I'm lucky to be born American. Still, I don't want to stay here, at least not now. I want to go back to my roots and spend some time indulging in my culture. It's just something that I need so badly to just sort things out. Poland is really the only place where things just seem perfect for me. The only other place that's come pretty darn close to that is new york city, and right now I don't know if I have a future there. I do know that I can make a future in Poland so easily, and I want it desperately.
I hate that I can't spend time with my family and get to know them better. I wish they really knew me more, too. I just wish I had a better tie with them. I feel like the outsider whenever I visit, and I'm sick of that. I want to be a family member, not a temporary guest.
Frustrating is a word that cannot even describe how hard it is to deal with the fact that I can't talk or see them everyday. I'm stuck between two worlds, and I've been missing out on one for so long that I can't bear it anymore. It's time for me to just go.

weird picture of the day

by Liz Robbins.
commuters in Mexico City.



never thought i'd see that

misunderstood ain't gotta be explained

but you don't understand me
so let me explain.


weezy puts it best as always.

i'm so done

with high school.

i cannot wait for the summer so i can just disappear for a month and get everybody out of my hair.

so long vacation

It's been nice knowing you. The late nights and long mornings will be missed, along with the memories from New York.
My only regret this week? I've become hooked on gossip girl. I've spent too much time watching episode after episode, but I guess that isn't too bad because I love the show.
Time to start my homework.

Packing

to go to new york tomorrow.
i seriously can't wait. :)
nyc here i come.

Undecided

I used to know what I want to do in college, but now I have no idea. I've realized that I enjoy so many things, and all to different extents. I've made up a list to organize my interests for college, and maybe it'll help me out in the long run =/.

(NOT in order of preference)

Psychology - I'm really interested in the subject. I like to know how peoples minds work and I don't know if it has anything to do with Psych., but I find autism really interesting. I'd want to study it and possibly work with autistic people. Not sure though.

Languages - Picking up languages is so easy for me, and I love it. I enjoy hearing and speaking new languages. Also, I could pick up a career as a translator or something and be able to travel the world. If not, I could just travel on my own everywhere because of all the languages I'd know.

Communications/Media - I hate journalism class, mostly cause of Donnelly, but I love the end results of the class, like seeing my articles and the whole paper with everyone elses articles. It's nice to have. I also like the idea of video editing, which would fall under the media category. I think it's so much fun, but I doubt I'd be able to ever land a good career in it. It would most likely just be a hobby.

Government - It seems really random of me to consider government, and it's nothing I've ever had an interest in before, but after taking a VHS class in it, I've started to enjoy the subject. I want to get more involved in the government, but I don't know if I'd want to be involved for a career, or just as like as a thing I do in my spare time for the community. I'm really on the fence about it.


Right now, I think I'm leaning a lot towards languages. I really want to learn french and arabic, because that would just be awesome. I also want to travel the world and languages would make that easier for me. Also, I could do charity or work with some crazy peace groups or something across the seas and it would be no problem for me because I'd know major languages of the world. Just thinking about it is gets me excited. :)

Fabulous

AP Practice Exam = no school + free pizza + no homework = :)
David Prouty vs. South High (Tennis) = South High being victorious = :))
Lany Poniedzalek AKA Smingus Dyngus AKA Polish Water Day = :)))

great day full of :).

cant wait

i really can't take it anymore

summer is just too far away.

I always tend to get wrapped up in things and forget about my priorities. That's what happened today. I was having a good time at practice and I guess I lost track of time. I completely forgot that I had an aerobics class to go to (taking it for a gym credit) at 6, and I ended up leaving practice at 6. I bet if it wasn't for Monika's text I wouldn't even have realized that I missed the class either. After practice, I sped home because my dad was yelling about how my mom locked herself out of the house and was waiting for us, so I was freaking out about that. The last thing on my mind was that class, and it just completely slipped my mind. I'm so shocked that I would forget something like that. It just doesn't make sense that I would let that be forgotten. So weird, but it's whatever because I'm allowed one absence and I haven't been enjoying the class anyway. The workouts are boring and they hurt my feet so I'm fine with missing a class.

It's Crazy

hearing about all these seniors getting their acceptances and seeing them slowly end their high school career. It's great that I got a preview of it this year because now I know what to expect, but it's so surreal knowing that I'll be a senior soon myself.
To be honest, I'm a little frightened. I seriously do not want to go through the applications process. I'll be so worried and nervous. I just can't imagine myself going through all of it, and yet the time is nearing where I'll have to.
I'm just so curious as to where I'll go and how much aid I'll have and what I'll do and how I'll manage, and the wonders go on. All I know is that next year will be a hell of a year for me. I can't wait. :)

i feel like death

slept for 12 hours and i'm still miserable.
and now i have all the added stress of making up everything I missed today.
cool.

I find it odd that

the SAT Subject Test for English Literature is 60 minutes long with 60 multiple choice questions, and the SAT Subject Test for Spanish is also 60 minutes long but has 85 multiple choice questions. Shouldn't the foreign language test provide more time for the student than the English test? It only seems most logical to me, considering that English is my first language, and Spanish is my third.
Stupid collegeboard. They don't know what they're doing these days.

I'm so tired of talking about college wit my family. The discussions always end up with me being pretty much scolded for wanting to go to a good school. They make it like it's a sin for me to even think of going to New York or Boston. Everyone just pesters me about how I'm supposed to pay for everything and I'm always told to just settle for Worcester State and go there. The thing is that I can't settle for something less than what I want. I want out of Worcester, and I want to go to a school that's full of kids that are as academically driven as I am.
To be honest, I'm not worried about money either. I'm looking into scholarships already and I will work really hard to get all the money that I can. Obviously, I won't go to a school if I receive zero financial aid, no matter how much I love the place. I have at least some common sense, so there should be no worrying as to how I'm going to pay to go to a school. I know that I will get money somewhere out of Worcester and I'll be fine.
Besides, I don't see why everyone is worrying because I haven't even applied anywhere and it's unknown as to whether or not I'll get accepted into my top choice schools. Everyone should just get off my case about where I want to go, what I want to major in, and how I'm going to survive financially. I don't think it's appropriate for people, such as my aunt, who have no high school or college education to lecture me on college plans. I'll figure something out as time goes on, so until then I'm just going to not even give an answer to anybody, cause I really don't need any negativity or pessimism in regards to my future.

Today was superb, and I know that sounds really awkward to describe my day as "superb", but honestly, I had such a good day. It was so relaxed and fun in every way. I discovered a lot of things about myself that I hadn't realized before, and I'm starting to really enjoy everything more. I'm not saying that I didn't before, but my eyes have sort of opened up and everything is just so much more clear. That sounds much more deep and significant than it actually is, but what Im trying to say is that I've just been sort of enlightened, and I think I'm going to just take life on differently, though I'm not sure how yet.
I've started appreciating my class more recently, too. I'm learning to value and take advantage of my time in highschool. I realized how close we all have finally gotten and we all seem to enjoy each other's company and it's just sad that we'll be taken apart when we go to college just when we started getting close. It's pretty sad. Good thing I still have a year and a half left with everybody :)

so i dropped out of the SAT prep program cause I had no time for it. It was completely draining me and I had a good score on the practice test anyways so I think I should be fine.
this better not come back to bite me in the butt though.....

practice was surprisingly easy today. it was good to be back on the courts :))
i cant wait till it gets warmer and i can start getting a tan again
next thing I know it'll be summer and I'll be off to Poland
then i'll be a senior and ill grauduate and then ill be in college and then itll be the end of the world.
sweet, haha.

the weekkk

My week has been pretty nuts, and I've been dying like the whole time but tomorrow is finally Friday so it's all good. Without the help of energy drinks, I wouldn't have made it :)
However, because of this week I have been considering the idea of quitting the SAT prep program that I'm doing. I wish I could stay but if I keep having such rough weeks without time to do anything, then I'm going to have to stop, despite how much I don't want to. Priorities are priorities, and there is no way that I will quite tennis to make more time in my schedule.
Speaking of tennis, I'm looking forward to start on Monday (do I even need to say this??) and I FINALLY found a pair of tennis shoes that fit me, are comfortable, and are almost decent looking. So that's a plus. I'm ready (at least mentally, because I definitely lost my fitness and skill over the year) to hit the courts, and I noticed that Burncoat has their nets up. That makes me want to go down to South and put some nets up so I can practice and show those girls up. Supposedly, they're out for revenge cause we pretty much murdered interhigh last year. :)
Jesus, I take this stuff way to seriously though. I should not have just written a paragraph dedicated to tennis.
Anyway, on another more serious note, I am still looking for a job. I thought I had one in the bag but the woman never called me back for an intervew, probably cause my hours just weren't suitable. There is hope though! :))
My mom came up with the idea for me to apply to Burlington Coat factory, and even though I hate that place cause it's awkward and full of crazy people, my cousin has been working there for years and has a good position, so he's going to try to help me get a job there. I guess they're pretty good about people working weekends, so that's really perfect for me, especially cause it's 5 minutes down the street. So when I get my license, I won't have to waste too much money on driving to work. :) I'm going in tomorrow most likely to pick up an application.
All in allll, this is a looong blog but I just felt like writing something in English instead of Spanish, cause that's the homework I'm doing right now.

BTW, my boyfriend came out with a new music video. With the exception of the awkward, curly woman-like dreads, he's loookin daaaamn fine.
Here's the link cause youtube disabled the embedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUQsyLP2aYU

what the heck

Does the earth not realize that it's almost spring time, and that it's time for snow to be done? It's time for flowers to start growing and for me to start playing tennis. I'm fed up with snow, ice, and freezing mornings at the bus stops. It's time for some warm weather. I'm about ready to try to reverse it all....

hello brooklyn

sooo
i'm going to nyc during april vacation for a few days.
i'll be touring nyu and columbia :))),
and thennnn
i might go to a taping of the colbert report for free, all thanks to my cousin :)
super psycheddd.

owen pallet

is my new favorite person

:)

Levine's coaching this year.

tennis!

Tennis schedules are up already, thanks to highschoolsports.net.
I'm soooo thrilled
Our first game is on April 1st, home and against Blackstone Millville.

That's a month away! It's so close! I'm so thrilled that I started trembling when I realized how close it is. It's so great. Tomorrow we're going to try to call Levine and see if he's coaching. I'm praying to God that he is, because this year is supposed to be pretty decent for us. I just wish we could start conditioning at least though.

I'm so excited because we're playing SPM twice, and I loved playing them last year. I don't care if they crush me. I love playing them
I also find it funny how we play North on our home courts twice, because their courts are shitty and last year Mr. Levine said he wouldn't let us play there ever again.
Thanks Levine :)

Columbia sucks

I just made a reservation for my tour of NYU, and it was so easyy and efficient. Then I tried finding out when I could go tour Columbia but they offer like 0 tours in April (when I plan on going to New York). All Columbia offers are information sessions, which obviosuly isn't good enough, and that's why it sucks.
The End.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

is a complete idiot.
end of story

polish citizenship

So a little while ago I found out that I can become a Polish citizen because both of my parents were born there, and I've been meaning to actually figure out how to go about getting that citizenship, so that's what I did today. I'll be calling the Consulate in New York soon to get my application, so I'm wicked excited. Once I get my citizenship, I can get an ID at 18 and then I'm free to get a house/whatever over there (but that's like in the far future).
Also, I'm setting up a trip to New York during April vacation to go tour NYU and Columbia. I don't even need to explain how excited I am, because everyone can pretty much expect it from me, haha.
On another note, I drove through Kelly Square yesterday and survived. It was great. :)

Earth Hour 2009

Earth Hour is this global movement taking place on March 28th, 2009 at 8:30 pm. I did it last year and now I'm making it my own little tradition. About 50 million people, including the entire city of Sydney, Australia participated. It's to save energy. It really does make a difference. Check out the video. I'll be continuosly posting about it.

I want a pet rat.
I've wanted one for so long now . I've decided that once I'm older and get my own place, I'll get a pet rat and name him Remy, just like the rat from Ratatouille. :)

got a job.
going in friday to set up hours and whatnot.
dont know what the place is called.
ill be doing paper work and shiz. boring, but it requires no physical activity.sicckkkk.
raking in that dough.

all i care about. all that keeps me going

my head is going to explode

if I spend another minute trying to compare Barack Obama and John McCain.

I'm trying to write an essay for VHS, and I'm supposed to summarize their views on the role of government in America. I tried going to their websites, but McCain's website just has his speech from election night when he lost, and Obama's website is just full of nothing important. So I google searched different things, and found one site that might be useful because it proposed the same questions to both candidates, and included their responses. The downside was that both Barack and McCain had such vague and similar answers that I couldn't figure anything out! I was ready to punch my laptop, so I quit. I still have a few days to do more research and write my essay. For now, I can't look at another website mentioning Obama and McCain, or else I'll die.

david after dentist

the best :)

thrilled

So I went out for a while today, and when I got home I found a letter from South in my room. I noticed that the letter was actually my report card, so I tore it up to see what I got. I was shocked because my grades turned out to be MUCH better than what I expected. Honestly, I didn't think I could get any of this, so I'm ecstatic. It totally made my day.
On another note, I've managed to OD on extracurriculars, which is great because now I have something to keep me busy well into tennis season. Now I don't have to spend my time crying over when spring will begin :)
Super phsychedddd.

moving out

My brother is moving out, and I'm trying really hard not to be too thrilled. I don't want to seem like a complete jerk. Just half of one, haha.
Thank fucking god he'll be gone. It's about time.
Nowgetoutgoawayanddon'tcomebacksucka,thanks.
PEACE

yup, that's my godson.

they really know how to raise kids back in the homeland, hahaha.

first wassup commercial


then 8 years later....

why is it that

I have to make everything harder on myself?
Of course I have to set my sights on the most ridiculously difficult schools to get into to, and of course they also have to be the most expensive. I'm attached and if somehow I can't go to my top choices, I'll be crushed.
Why can't I just pick some normal schools and not get so hyped up over it? Seriously, sometimes I think I should just cop out and go to Quinsig or something.

home

everyday is another day closer to when I can board that plane and just go away.

may be surrounded by
a million people i
still feel all alone
i just wanna go home

YESSS

Lately, I've been Weezy deprived, and I've been searching for something new to hear but I didn't find anything good except for Kat de Luna's song Unstoppable, which sucks except for the part where Lil Wayne does his verse. I haven't been able to find anything new and I've been out of it lately without some new Wayne songs to listen to.
buttt thankfully God, AKA Perez Hilton, must have heard my prayers and made a post about Lil Wayne's new song Prom Queen and I like it a lot. I don't love it like Hot Revolver but it's good enough to satisfy my Weezy cravings for a while. :))
here is the song:

joke

That's what Mrs. Sebring's class is - a joke.
She hyped up the AP class so much at the beginning of the year, saying how hard it was and everything, but her class is the easiest AP I've taken so far. She assigns zero work, making the class seem easy but that's what really makes it hard to get a good grade because she has nothing to base her grades upon. I swear that she chooses the grades randomly and just gives the higher grades to the kids she likes the most.
But honestly, her class is such a waste of time. We never do anything in that class, and today I just sat there reading my book while she went over the homework as if we were a class of first graders. Sometimes I think she forgets we have brains.

i just realized that

i need a prom date.
so i'm on the search.



if only i was 18....

hahaaha

made my day

saw it on perez, and it was awesome. so of course i had to share :)

job time

I went to Barnes and Noble today to hand in my application, and it was disappointing because they said that they aren't hiring so I most definitely won't get a call for a job interview. So I went to Michael's Arts and Crafts to get a job application and when I asked if they were hiring this woman in front of me in line looked at me weird, but I just ignored it. Well she waited outside the store for me and offered me a job at her store or whatever. It's like this nutrition place I guess and they do massage therapy and she needs someone to work with computers and file the appointments and whatnot. It sounds like a lazy job so that's perfect for me :) I should be getting a call in about a month when she opens up the place at Gold Star Boulevard, so I'll most likely work there, unless Barnes and Noble calls me before then (doubtful though).
Besides that nothing else really happened today, except for the fact that I'm disowning my brother cause he's a dick and he fails at life. I'm just going to pretend that he doesn't exist and that I'm and only child. Coooool.

ohcool

http://indebted.com/

http://twitter.com/nationaldebt

what do you do

when your brother has lost his mind?

oh and by the way

in case you didn't know, Serena Williams is a monster and her racket is a weapon. There is nothing human about her.

The one thing that Obama was missing today

was this.


I was hoping to hear him say 'Yes we can' at least once today, but he didn't. Oh well. Maybe in the next election :)

you can leave me alone now, Donald.
haha