missed out

Sixteen years is a long time. I've seen and been through a lot, as everybody else. I've changed throughout the course of time both physically and mentally. I'm constantly changing, and it's so disheartening to think about how my family doesn't even know me that well. How could they? With an ocean and some countries separating you, it's pretty hard to establish a strong bond. The love and concern is there, most definitely, but the memories and connections are lacking, thanks to my geographical limitations.
Frankly, I am not satisfied with flying overseas once a year. I've been lucky enough to visit consistently for the past few years, but that's going to end soon. Besides, once a year is just not enough. I feel like I am missing out on so much. I am wasting time that could be spent with the people I love, and instead I'm stuck here.
I guess I sound a little ungrateful, and possibly spoiled for not being content with my fortunate situation of being an American citizen. However, I am very thankful to my parents for giving me the life that I've lived. They went through so much to provide me with a good life, and I realize that I'm lucky to be born American. Still, I don't want to stay here, at least not now. I want to go back to my roots and spend some time indulging in my culture. It's just something that I need so badly to just sort things out. Poland is really the only place where things just seem perfect for me. The only other place that's come pretty darn close to that is new york city, and right now I don't know if I have a future there. I do know that I can make a future in Poland so easily, and I want it desperately.
I hate that I can't spend time with my family and get to know them better. I wish they really knew me more, too. I just wish I had a better tie with them. I feel like the outsider whenever I visit, and I'm sick of that. I want to be a family member, not a temporary guest.
Frustrating is a word that cannot even describe how hard it is to deal with the fact that I can't talk or see them everyday. I'm stuck between two worlds, and I've been missing out on one for so long that I can't bear it anymore. It's time for me to just go.