dreams come true, hard work pays off.

i never thought i was capable. never thought good things could come my way. never would have imagined that i could get something i wanted, and never felt serious satisfaction from hard work....
until today.
I got into Boston University.
I was accepted.

I almost can't believe it. I know it's not that great of an honor compared to kids who get into Yale or Harvard or Brown, but this is big to me. I'm a nobody, I come from a family that started off with nothing, with parents that never had a college education and still to this day struggle with English. Good things like this never come my way, never happen to me. I'm an average kid, and something out of the ordinary finally happened to me. This isn't supposed to happen to me, it shouldnt. It's almost too unbelievable.

But it happened, and it's real. Four years of studying, of hard work, of trying to make the grade so that I could get into a good college has finally paid off. I never would have expected this to happen, even though people told me it would. It just seems so beyond me, so much more than I'm worth.

Boston. The big city. An huge school. A respectable education. My own place to call home. My own life. Independence. All mine.

I cant stop telling myself that things like this dont happen to kids like me, and it did. It finally did, and all I can think about is the worrying I did when i was applying, the stress I dealt with over whether or not I was worth BU, whether or not I deserved it, if I could get in.

I am worth it. I do deserve it. And I did get in.
and all I can say is dreams do come true, and the ones I've been having for so long are finally materializing into something tangible, and real.

i should make art a hobby.

i'm terrible at it, but yesterday i realized how much it chills me out. i was so high strung yesterday, but once i sat down and got to working in class, i was fine. i do very well with work that requires little thought, and in class i didnt have to think at all. i just sat down and colored, and that was the best relief for my mind.

someone told me the other day, "it's because you're intelligent, you analyze everything." and i never really thought about it before because i dont characterize myself as intelligent usually. i think of myself moreso as introspective, but the point is that it's true - i do analyze everything. i have a habit of considering every aspect and detail of my life. i think too much throughout the day, about school, about myself, about others, about my future, about life in general. i try to put everything into multiple perspectives. i spend my time dissecting every situation and person, trying to understand them, figure them out, predict their motives, intentions and actions. with my mind running like that all day, it's nice to relax for a moment.

to put it in the simplest terms possible, coloring put me in my happy place, which probably sounds strange, if not childish and creepy, but that's how i felt. my mind was at ease, and i wasn't analyzing a single thing.

i dont think i've felt as content as i did yesterday for quite some time. i think i should invest in a good case of prisma colored pencils so that when my mind gets all crazy, i can just color my madness away :)



on another note, im in love with Adele. I listened to her whole album and it's full of poetry, and amazing verses/quotes. I cant paste any here because i cant pick and choose. i'd want to paste the whole album, but i wont cause that would be a little eccentric.

"Favoritism ain't my thing but in this situation I'll be glad to make an exception."

the things that shouldnt make me happy, make my day.

the things i fear and end up worrying about, i have realized are the things that free me from my stress. ironic in a way, almost oxymoronic, but it's true.

the things i enjoy, usually are things i over exaggerrate, and they turn out to be not even all that great at all.

knowing this, i feel like my eyes are opened now. im finally understanding myself just a little bit more, because so often i feel like i dont know who i am. guess that's just the motions of being a young adult.


in other words, i learned today that i need to learn to relax and take it easy, let life take me on its course. right now, i have no worries, i have no cares, except of course, my own happiness and interests. nothing can phase me.

best of all, i want nothing at all. it's weird not wanting anything, but i'm in a state where im not longing for anything. im just content with my situation, and i think that is a huge step for me. i finally appreciate everything i have and im not whining about what i dont.

focus

focusing on the positives in my life, the things that make me happy and the things that matter to get me through the rest of this year.
its a long haul till summer, and i dont want to deal with any unnecessary stress, so im going to try to cross out anything that occupies too much of my time or emotions.
im young, i've got a huge life ahead of me, i dont need to be worrying about anything right now.

the only thing i'm sure of anymore is that tomorrow will come.

i dont know if that means anything really, but if i cant be sure of myself or the circumstances im in, then i can be confident in the promise of tomorrow.
at least that gives me something to bank on.

all the nice things people tell me remind me of the things you don't say.

Rainer Maria Rilke

"Works of art are of an infinite solitude, and no means of approach is so useless as criticism. Only love can touch and hold them and be fair to them."

" Always trust yourself and your own feeling, as opposed to argumentations, discussions, or introductions of that sort; if it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own silent, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and within and cannot be forced or hastened."

"Love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you, for those who are near you are far away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast. And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is already among the stars and is very great; be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend."

"It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love."

"We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors; if it has abysses, these abysses belong to us; if there are dangers, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life in accordance with the principle which tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, then what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience"

"Don't observe yourself too closely. Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. Otherwise it will be too easy for you to look with blame (that is: morally) at your past, which naturally has a share in everything that now meets you."

"Don't think that the person who is trying to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes give you much pleasure. His life has much trouble and sadness, and remains far behind yours. If it were otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words."

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

"You have to understand what it's like, taking on a big city: I'm exposed to all sorts of ignorance and criminality. Still, this is the only life for me. I like the way the City makes people think they can do what they want and get away with it."
Jazz, Toni Morrison

live and let live

I'm so sick and tired of having to not be myself, just so I can get people's approval.
And I'm disgusted with the way that the general human population thinks it's okay to criticize and judge others for their choices, words, or actions.

No one, and I mean absolutely no one, has the right to involve themselves in my life unless I let them or ask them to. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but no one can claim superiority over me just because my life isn't like theirs.

Who said that I have to fit your conformist ideal of life? Who said I need to adjust to your preconceived notions of what success is? What's important is that I fit MY ideals and goals, not yours.

So what - I drink. I smoke. I don't go to church.

Send me to hell then. If I cared, I wouldn't do any of it.

I don't believe anymore in what other people say. I don't agree with the way that I've been brainwashed all my life to believe stereotypes. I've pushed people away because of my foolish ignorance and submissiveness to society's imposing ways. I used to be convinced that all people who drank and smoked and who didn't go to college were all failures.

Then I quickly realized that I was the failure for being so judgemental and hateful. I was so full of hate, pushing away the people I loved the most because I felt there was something wrong with them. In essence, there was something wrong with me. Everyone is different. Everyone is programed differently. Not everybody comes out the way that the world expects them to, and that's alright.

The only thing that matters really is happiness. As long as I'm happy with myself, then everyone should be. Just accept me, with my flaws and all.

I may not be the picture perfect saint. I may not always have the brightest ideas, the wisest opinions, or make the smartest actions, but I do try to be a good person - morally.

I work hard. I give my all to everyone. I put up with a lot of crap, and I keep quiet when quiet is necessary. I try to be a good person, offering myself to those who need it or could use it. That's really all that should matter.

Just because I don't pray, doesn't mean I don't have hope. Just because I don't follow a religion doesn't mean I don't have a belief. I wish people would just take a step down from their pedistles, and see the world for what it is, not for what it should be, or for what it isn't.

Just take everything in and accept it. We only have one life to live anyways, so we have to make the most of it.

"She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with an almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?"
-Song of Solomon

i've had an amazing weekend, one of the best that i've had in a while.
i've made some good memories that i know i won't forget. i guess that's what constitutes a good senior year, so you could say i'm definitely living it up.

i've been so stressed out lately, and it was really good for me to get out and have some fun. i can't say it enough, but i really love my friends. they're what helps me stay grounded, simply by being them.

on another note, i just got off the phone with my family in poland, and i'm realizing how much i miss them. i've been trying to distract myself so that i wouldnt have to miss them so much, but deep down i really cant stop thinking about them.

And not to sound sappy or anything, but it's always great talking to them because it's a nice reminder that someone out there loves me, that someone is thinking of me. sometimes i get so caught up in my problems, responsibilities, work and whatever else that i lose sight of what's real, what's important, and who matters. i just lose myself in all of it, but talking to them brings me back, screws my head back on.
i know that above everyone and above everything, they are the ones that sincerely care. they're the ones that love me, and i just have to keep reminding myself of that.




"i've got some issues that nobody can see
and all of these emotions are pouring out of me."
- Kid Cudi, Soundtrack 2 My Life

sometimes i wish i had all the answers.

running on empty - physically, emotionally, mentally.
and somehow i still manage to put a smile on my face.
im in need of a fun weekend and lots of sleep, both of which i will be indulging in.




"i don't see what i can feel. if vision is the only validation then most of my life isn't real."
Sam Sparro, Black and Gold

everybody puts up a front, whether or not they'll admit it, myself included.
im honest as hell, but that doesnt mean that i dont suppress a lot of my sincerest thoughts.
some things are just better left unsaid.

i love my friends.
i cant say that enough.

this year is great because of them.
and when im down, im all better because of them.
so cliche, but so true.

one year passed and i still smile at the thought of you.



i. should. not. feel. this. way.

especially since my sights are totally set somewhere else right now.





"cause i aint got no boyfriend, got no obligation
baby im a single woman, thats my situation"
Flo Rida, Available

The Awakening

I seriously hate this book and all the work I have to do for it, but sometimes, like I do with any book, I find a quote that applies to my life in some way or other.


"I only think you cruel, as I said the other day. Maybe not intentionally cruel; but you seem to be forcing me into disclosures which can result in nothing; as if you would have me bare a wound for the pleasure of looking at it, without the intention or power of healing it."


"But can't you understand? I've grown used to seeing you, to having you with me all the time, and your actions seem unfriendly, even unkind. You don't even offer an excuse for it. Why, I was planning to be together, thinking how pleasant it would be to see you in the city next winter."

Most likely, Boston is my home next year

I haven't gotten my decision from BU or NYU yet, but I'm pretty sure that even if I get accepted into NYU, I won't get any financial aid. I'm thinking BU might be more generous than NYU if they accept me, but if that doesn't work out, I have Emmanuel College all set.
They handed me $10,000 a year for my SAT scores, and to keep that all I need is a 3.0 there. They make it so easy! I'm hoping that when i send in my midyear report they'll give me more.

I don't care about anything but leaving Worcester, and now I know I have a safety in Boston, which is such a relief. Even though I'd get full tuition to UMass Amherst, Emmanuel would be better I think because I could always transfer to BU or BC, and it would be easier to get internships, being right in the city and all.

I'm just so excited now. It's given me more hope that other schools will give me good financial aid. I'm hoping and praying BU will give me some type of scholarship money. Then my heart will probably explode, in which case I'll die and go to heaven.

my horoscope is freaking me out

So I read my horoscope today and this is what I get. I found it really strange how much this connected to me and my whole predicament with bonnaroo, and my dreams of college etc. I thought maybe it was just a weird coincidence but then I clicked another link to read more about my horoscope for the month:

"The Sun moving through your 2nd House of Self-worth until January 19 could reduce your generosity and availability to others while you take care of your own needs. It's not your style to turn inward and be this protective of yourself, but it probably isn't a bad idea for now. Investing in your health, appearance and building your skills should come first. You're not the kind of person who keeps things tight in a relationship, preferring to live and let live, if you can. But it's time to keep score now, weighing what you give in a relationship against what you get back in return. If you're single, this could make you become a tougher negotiator and less willing to put your faith in others."


This horoscope is so on point that it's freaking me out. I've been blogging about all these things for the past few days, and the fact that it mentioned 'live and let live' got to me.
I don't know how I should feel right now, but I guess that my attitude of late and the things I've been doing are right. I feel sort of reaffirmed and all the more empowered in my ideas.
It's all about me now, even my horoscope says so ;)

funny

funny how you don't realize how much people mean to you until they're gone.

i've had this void in me for so long, but it's nice to have it filled up again. it's nice to have my friend back.

you know who really matters if they stick it out with you, through all your bad moments and rough patches.

i dont want to mess up a good friendship ever again, or miss out on any more chances.

freedom feels so good.
i dont know how i manage to do it, but i've realized recently how much more independence i've been gaining from my parents. slowly but surely, they're letting me to do my thing.
i knew that trip to Poland over the summer was going to do the trick. that was what started it all, and im so glad i went through with it. i was so nervous about traveling on my own, but it was amazing....which reminds me of how much I miss being there.

i know i won't be back for another year or two, and i don't know if my heart can handle that.
i'm afraid i'll lose touch because i know that keeping in touch will make me miss them more. i always do that. i wrap myself up in plans to keep myself busy, and then i lose contact with everyone. i just push people away so that i wont have to think about them, which is totally stupid because this is my family. i cant just forget them. i can always make new friends if i drop them, but family is different.
it's just so hard to deal with the fact of not seeing them. i'm trying really hard not to let myself lose touch. i don't want to be that girl, but it's so hard when that's just my nature. i push everything and everyone away, mostly out of fear. i let go of all the things i want the most. it doesn't make sense, but it happens.

retarded. thats what i am.




"The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure."
-Jimmy Eat World, Work

hello mothafucka hey hi how ya durnnn

sen10r fucken year, why the fuck am i stressing the most ridiculous things?
im young and im just starting my life.

my grades are awesome, my job is great, my car is running, and my friends are the best. i have nothing to worry about.

im going so hard this year. nothing matters but my happiness, and that's what i'm focused on. whatever it is i have to do to make sure i get what i want, i'll do. and if i get stuck, i'll just move on to the next thing.

friendship is supposed to be a two way street, and i'm fed up with giving myself to so many people, only to have my efforts unrequited.
from now on, it's all about me, and of course, the select few who i know care. my happiness comes first. i am not settling for less anymore. if im not pleased, then i can easily change my focus to something that will make me happy.

and right now, the things that im focused on that i KNOW will make me happy are Bonnaroo, graduation, and any party that comes my way.

it's like my eyes have finally been opened. i'm so happy now. i have my eyes set on the future and all the opportunities coming my way. i probably sound kind of crazy, but i'm having revelation after revelation. it's amazing.


sorry for the rant.


"I wish I had one good reason why I should stay. How'd I get myself into this place?"
-Lily Allen, Cherly Tweedy

live and let live.
that's my motto from now on.




"until you find yourself it's impossible to lose you, because i never had you, although i would be glad to."
- Drake, Houstalantavegas

awesome

everyday, i realize more and more how much i love my friends, and how all i really need is them. they just make my day, and without them, i would probably go insane.

all day today, i've been planning my trip to Bonnaroo with Ann, Pat, and Simon and I'm super psyched. Our planning is set and our parents gave the okay, but the only problem is money to pay for the concert ticket and transportation. still, i'll do anything to go.

i need this trip, nothing else matters right now. i just have to go, and im already looking forward to it so much. i've been needing something like this to focus on and keep me distracted. i've been bogged down by school and other issues that i just don't want on my mind anymore. all i want to think about is spending a week with my closest friends traveling and doing crazy things.

pursuit of happiness

love the song, love the lyrics, love the video. definitely my song of the moment.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good."

"you seem like you have it figured out this year, like things are lining up for jess gawrych."

couldnt be more true.
i'm taking my chances, because last year i didn't. i let fear get in the way of opportunity and i let the best things i had slip away.
not anymore.
i'm going for what i want, and i'm not letting a moment pass me by.
im not wasting my time on things i know for certain i cant attain, or things that i dont desire at all.
i do feel as if everything is figured out and set. i wont let things fall out of place, or let people get in the way of my happiness or ambitions.
this is a new jessica.

i never waste my time. i make sure of that.
i'm going to live it up from now on, while keeping my priorities straight.
all i want is to just graduate and get out. is that too much to ask?

even though i hate reading The Awakening

i still manage to find a good quote or two that clicks with me....


"The present alone was significant; was hers to torture her as it was doing then with the biting conviction that she had lost that which she had held, that she had been denied that which her impassioned, newly awakened being demanded."

i knew 2010 would be my year, but i had no idea it would be this big for me. things are changing, especially me, and in some ways that could be bad or end up poorly, but I cant help but give in to temptation. i'll pay for it all later. i mean, as long as i learn something from it all, then i'll be happy.i feel like i havent learned anything in so long, it's time i start pushing some limits.

everyday is an adventure, and i couldnt ask for more. my friends are the best, and im really glad i have the ones i do.



"i dont care what people say, the rush is worth the price i pay. i get so high when you're with me but crash and crave you when you leave."
-Ke$ha, Your Love is my Drug

I'm always ready for the next best thing. I'm always ready to move on, move up, and just have new experiences. It seems as if I'm prepared to make bigger decisions, to finally live my life, and just do as I please, but unfortunately, there is always something holding me back.
Time. Place. People.
Whatever it is, I could be so set on doing something, but I'm never allowed to go for it. I wish the world would learn to let me live. My parents, my friends, my teachers, complete strangers - all of them need to learn that this is my life I'm living, and even though I'm just a seventeen year old girl, I have a good head on my shoulders, and I'm sure of everything I want in this moment.
I'm fine with taking risks and chances. I'm eager to be alone and independent. I don't need anyone to rely on. I don't need or want anyone to worry about me. I just wish I could be left to take care of myself for once.
I guess I may sound like the typical teen right now, and what I'm whining about is not at all uncommon, but it's just so frustrating to be treated as someone so fragile and helpless, when I'm pefectly capable of taking care of myself. I can't wait for the day when others besides myself will realize this.

"What did other people's deaths or a mother's love matter to me; what did his God or the lives people chose or the fate they think they elect matter to me when we're all elected by the same fate?"
-The Stranger, Albert Camus