freedom feels so good.
i dont know how i manage to do it, but i've realized recently how much more independence i've been gaining from my parents. slowly but surely, they're letting me to do my thing.
i knew that trip to Poland over the summer was going to do the trick. that was what started it all, and im so glad i went through with it. i was so nervous about traveling on my own, but it was amazing....which reminds me of how much I miss being there.

i know i won't be back for another year or two, and i don't know if my heart can handle that.
i'm afraid i'll lose touch because i know that keeping in touch will make me miss them more. i always do that. i wrap myself up in plans to keep myself busy, and then i lose contact with everyone. i just push people away so that i wont have to think about them, which is totally stupid because this is my family. i cant just forget them. i can always make new friends if i drop them, but family is different.
it's just so hard to deal with the fact of not seeing them. i'm trying really hard not to let myself lose touch. i don't want to be that girl, but it's so hard when that's just my nature. i push everything and everyone away, mostly out of fear. i let go of all the things i want the most. it doesn't make sense, but it happens.

retarded. thats what i am.




"The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure."
-Jimmy Eat World, Work