it's weird how things can turn out in life

i've been scared of taking chances for so long, and because of that, i've missed important life lessons and opportunities in my life. i miss old friendships that I once had. However, at the time of these friendships, I was too oblivious to realize what I had. Instead, I just let go. i had feelings that i ignored and chances I could have taken, but I resorted to the back seat to life. now im watching everything that i could have had and i'm wishing it was me. i know i could still take control, and get everything back, but I would be hurting way too many people in the process.
I don't regret not taking the chances though, because now I've learned how important it is to just go by my instinct and live my life freely. I feel enlightened now, and i know that it's okay that I missed out. I have other things going in my life right now that I'm grateful for, and I've learned a lot about myself. However, I will admit that I miss my old friendships, and it hurts just a little bit every time i say hello, because i know i messed up.

I guess some things are just irreplaceable and irreparable, so there's not much i could do about the past. what happened has happened. i just have to live and learn, and hope for the best. repeating mistakes is a no no.

night crawlerrr

i seem to all of sudden get interested in homework once its time for bed. inspiration hits me all of a sudden this urge to write and work takes over. it's pretty weird.
i have some early action deadlines due this week. I'm only doing like two schools early action, and I regret not getting on the ball earlier and doing it for more schools. However, I just will make my application much better for the regular deadlines in January.

its been a weird week, and i've been considering a lot of things lately. i've come to terms with the fact that most of the close friends I have now won't be so close next year. it's a little disheartening to figure who i'll lose and who i won't, but it also gives me a sense of security to know whats to come. the only problem is that i might end up distancing myself from people who i feel i'll lose touch with. i don't want to do it, but part of me has that instinct. i'm going to try to live it up, and live without any inhibitions. i really dont want to intentionally lose friends or make this year harder for myself. i just want a memorable senior year, and so far, its been exactly that.

i'm figuring who i am as a person, and what really interests me. im not afraid anymore either to just do what i want. granted, i tend to do this a little too aggresively and rudely, but im working on that. im still a teen. i make mistakes, so i apologize in advance if i offend.

winter is creeping up and im hating it. im done with the fall and ready for spring. honestly, i dont need the winter. fuck a white christmas. i just want to be warm on the holidays.

"Are you an only child?"
"No..."
"You seem like one."


Yeah, maybe it's because it seems like I don't have a brother anymore....

finally

i feel like my life is finally falling into place, like things that are supposed to happen are happening. i don't feel so anxious about my future anymore, and my befuddlement as to what i'm going to do with my life has faded. I am still unsure about what I aim to do, but I have a sense of direction now, with a lot of confidence. It doesn't really matter what I do, or even where I go, as long as I'm happy. I know it sounds cliche, but I just made this realization.
The prestige of a college I go to doesn't matter. It's my experience and joy at that college that really counts. For so long, I thought that I HAD to go to Harvard, because everyone told me to. I was fooled into believing that Ivy's were the best, and only the careers of lawyers and doctors mattered, both of which I had no interest in.
Well, none of it is true, and even if it were, I wouldn't care. Now that I think about it, I'd be content as long as I could travel the world, fall in love, and have the financial stability of some luxury in my life. I think that's what everybody looks for in life, to some extent, but so many people get lost in the pursuit of prestige and respect. The job title or degree doesn't earn you those things, though. It's you as a person. Your life, your feelings, and your actions are what earn you the appreciation of others.

There. That's my ramble for the day.

i just submitted a college application

and i want to cry.
i can't believe that i've gotten so old, and that i'm finally at this point in my life. I'm getting things done, making my own decisions and planning out my future. Soon, I'll be starting a new chapter to my life. I'll be experiencing things I've dreamed about as well as things that I've never even thought of.
I'm my own person now and it's time to grow up and grab life by the horns.

new attitude

I haven't had the best attitude about things lately, and i'm trying to have a new perspective on life. I'd elaborate, but I don't think I should have to. I'm just trying to do things differently from now on.


Live fearlessly and love endlessly.

"Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die."



Who knew that I'd find Hamlet so fascinating.

stalkers are not cool.
weird love letters are also not cool.
oh and i decided that college applications aren't fun anymore.
neither is worrying about scholarships for college.

is it too much for me to want a good education?

this country pushes kids to go to college, but the when it comes to footing the bill, they turn a blind eye.

"the world fascinates me."
- Andy Warhol


i think i might make this my senior quote. it's simple, to the point, and pretty much sums me up. i recall saying things like this before, so it just seems fitting to make it my quote. i'm interested in everyone and everything. the world pulls me in so many directions, and that's just why i'm so indecisive when it comes to picking a career or place to live in my future.