dreams come true, hard work pays off.

i never thought i was capable. never thought good things could come my way. never would have imagined that i could get something i wanted, and never felt serious satisfaction from hard work....
until today.
I got into Boston University.
I was accepted.

I almost can't believe it. I know it's not that great of an honor compared to kids who get into Yale or Harvard or Brown, but this is big to me. I'm a nobody, I come from a family that started off with nothing, with parents that never had a college education and still to this day struggle with English. Good things like this never come my way, never happen to me. I'm an average kid, and something out of the ordinary finally happened to me. This isn't supposed to happen to me, it shouldnt. It's almost too unbelievable.

But it happened, and it's real. Four years of studying, of hard work, of trying to make the grade so that I could get into a good college has finally paid off. I never would have expected this to happen, even though people told me it would. It just seems so beyond me, so much more than I'm worth.

Boston. The big city. An huge school. A respectable education. My own place to call home. My own life. Independence. All mine.

I cant stop telling myself that things like this dont happen to kids like me, and it did. It finally did, and all I can think about is the worrying I did when i was applying, the stress I dealt with over whether or not I was worth BU, whether or not I deserved it, if I could get in.

I am worth it. I do deserve it. And I did get in.
and all I can say is dreams do come true, and the ones I've been having for so long are finally materializing into something tangible, and real.

i should make art a hobby.

i'm terrible at it, but yesterday i realized how much it chills me out. i was so high strung yesterday, but once i sat down and got to working in class, i was fine. i do very well with work that requires little thought, and in class i didnt have to think at all. i just sat down and colored, and that was the best relief for my mind.

someone told me the other day, "it's because you're intelligent, you analyze everything." and i never really thought about it before because i dont characterize myself as intelligent usually. i think of myself moreso as introspective, but the point is that it's true - i do analyze everything. i have a habit of considering every aspect and detail of my life. i think too much throughout the day, about school, about myself, about others, about my future, about life in general. i try to put everything into multiple perspectives. i spend my time dissecting every situation and person, trying to understand them, figure them out, predict their motives, intentions and actions. with my mind running like that all day, it's nice to relax for a moment.

to put it in the simplest terms possible, coloring put me in my happy place, which probably sounds strange, if not childish and creepy, but that's how i felt. my mind was at ease, and i wasn't analyzing a single thing.

i dont think i've felt as content as i did yesterday for quite some time. i think i should invest in a good case of prisma colored pencils so that when my mind gets all crazy, i can just color my madness away :)



on another note, im in love with Adele. I listened to her whole album and it's full of poetry, and amazing verses/quotes. I cant paste any here because i cant pick and choose. i'd want to paste the whole album, but i wont cause that would be a little eccentric.

"Favoritism ain't my thing but in this situation I'll be glad to make an exception."

the things that shouldnt make me happy, make my day.

the things i fear and end up worrying about, i have realized are the things that free me from my stress. ironic in a way, almost oxymoronic, but it's true.

the things i enjoy, usually are things i over exaggerrate, and they turn out to be not even all that great at all.

knowing this, i feel like my eyes are opened now. im finally understanding myself just a little bit more, because so often i feel like i dont know who i am. guess that's just the motions of being a young adult.


in other words, i learned today that i need to learn to relax and take it easy, let life take me on its course. right now, i have no worries, i have no cares, except of course, my own happiness and interests. nothing can phase me.

best of all, i want nothing at all. it's weird not wanting anything, but i'm in a state where im not longing for anything. im just content with my situation, and i think that is a huge step for me. i finally appreciate everything i have and im not whining about what i dont.

focus

focusing on the positives in my life, the things that make me happy and the things that matter to get me through the rest of this year.
its a long haul till summer, and i dont want to deal with any unnecessary stress, so im going to try to cross out anything that occupies too much of my time or emotions.
im young, i've got a huge life ahead of me, i dont need to be worrying about anything right now.

the only thing i'm sure of anymore is that tomorrow will come.

i dont know if that means anything really, but if i cant be sure of myself or the circumstances im in, then i can be confident in the promise of tomorrow.
at least that gives me something to bank on.

all the nice things people tell me remind me of the things you don't say.

Rainer Maria Rilke

"Works of art are of an infinite solitude, and no means of approach is so useless as criticism. Only love can touch and hold them and be fair to them."

" Always trust yourself and your own feeling, as opposed to argumentations, discussions, or introductions of that sort; if it turns out that you are wrong, then the natural growth of your inner life will eventually guide you to other insights. Allow your judgments their own silent, undisturbed development, which, like all progress, must come from deep within and within and cannot be forced or hastened."

"Love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you, for those who are near you are far away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast. And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is already among the stars and is very great; be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend."

"It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love."

"We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors; if it has abysses, these abysses belong to us; if there are dangers, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life in accordance with the principle which tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, then what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience"

"Don't observe yourself too closely. Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. Otherwise it will be too easy for you to look with blame (that is: morally) at your past, which naturally has a share in everything that now meets you."

"Don't think that the person who is trying to comfort you now lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes give you much pleasure. His life has much trouble and sadness, and remains far behind yours. If it were otherwise, he would never have been able to find those words."

"Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet