The Awakening

I seriously hate this book and all the work I have to do for it, but sometimes, like I do with any book, I find a quote that applies to my life in some way or other.


"I only think you cruel, as I said the other day. Maybe not intentionally cruel; but you seem to be forcing me into disclosures which can result in nothing; as if you would have me bare a wound for the pleasure of looking at it, without the intention or power of healing it."


"But can't you understand? I've grown used to seeing you, to having you with me all the time, and your actions seem unfriendly, even unkind. You don't even offer an excuse for it. Why, I was planning to be together, thinking how pleasant it would be to see you in the city next winter."

Most likely, Boston is my home next year

I haven't gotten my decision from BU or NYU yet, but I'm pretty sure that even if I get accepted into NYU, I won't get any financial aid. I'm thinking BU might be more generous than NYU if they accept me, but if that doesn't work out, I have Emmanuel College all set.
They handed me $10,000 a year for my SAT scores, and to keep that all I need is a 3.0 there. They make it so easy! I'm hoping that when i send in my midyear report they'll give me more.

I don't care about anything but leaving Worcester, and now I know I have a safety in Boston, which is such a relief. Even though I'd get full tuition to UMass Amherst, Emmanuel would be better I think because I could always transfer to BU or BC, and it would be easier to get internships, being right in the city and all.

I'm just so excited now. It's given me more hope that other schools will give me good financial aid. I'm hoping and praying BU will give me some type of scholarship money. Then my heart will probably explode, in which case I'll die and go to heaven.

my horoscope is freaking me out

So I read my horoscope today and this is what I get. I found it really strange how much this connected to me and my whole predicament with bonnaroo, and my dreams of college etc. I thought maybe it was just a weird coincidence but then I clicked another link to read more about my horoscope for the month:

"The Sun moving through your 2nd House of Self-worth until January 19 could reduce your generosity and availability to others while you take care of your own needs. It's not your style to turn inward and be this protective of yourself, but it probably isn't a bad idea for now. Investing in your health, appearance and building your skills should come first. You're not the kind of person who keeps things tight in a relationship, preferring to live and let live, if you can. But it's time to keep score now, weighing what you give in a relationship against what you get back in return. If you're single, this could make you become a tougher negotiator and less willing to put your faith in others."


This horoscope is so on point that it's freaking me out. I've been blogging about all these things for the past few days, and the fact that it mentioned 'live and let live' got to me.
I don't know how I should feel right now, but I guess that my attitude of late and the things I've been doing are right. I feel sort of reaffirmed and all the more empowered in my ideas.
It's all about me now, even my horoscope says so ;)

funny

funny how you don't realize how much people mean to you until they're gone.

i've had this void in me for so long, but it's nice to have it filled up again. it's nice to have my friend back.

you know who really matters if they stick it out with you, through all your bad moments and rough patches.

i dont want to mess up a good friendship ever again, or miss out on any more chances.

freedom feels so good.
i dont know how i manage to do it, but i've realized recently how much more independence i've been gaining from my parents. slowly but surely, they're letting me to do my thing.
i knew that trip to Poland over the summer was going to do the trick. that was what started it all, and im so glad i went through with it. i was so nervous about traveling on my own, but it was amazing....which reminds me of how much I miss being there.

i know i won't be back for another year or two, and i don't know if my heart can handle that.
i'm afraid i'll lose touch because i know that keeping in touch will make me miss them more. i always do that. i wrap myself up in plans to keep myself busy, and then i lose contact with everyone. i just push people away so that i wont have to think about them, which is totally stupid because this is my family. i cant just forget them. i can always make new friends if i drop them, but family is different.
it's just so hard to deal with the fact of not seeing them. i'm trying really hard not to let myself lose touch. i don't want to be that girl, but it's so hard when that's just my nature. i push everything and everyone away, mostly out of fear. i let go of all the things i want the most. it doesn't make sense, but it happens.

retarded. thats what i am.




"The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure."
-Jimmy Eat World, Work

hello mothafucka hey hi how ya durnnn

sen10r fucken year, why the fuck am i stressing the most ridiculous things?
im young and im just starting my life.

my grades are awesome, my job is great, my car is running, and my friends are the best. i have nothing to worry about.

im going so hard this year. nothing matters but my happiness, and that's what i'm focused on. whatever it is i have to do to make sure i get what i want, i'll do. and if i get stuck, i'll just move on to the next thing.

friendship is supposed to be a two way street, and i'm fed up with giving myself to so many people, only to have my efforts unrequited.
from now on, it's all about me, and of course, the select few who i know care. my happiness comes first. i am not settling for less anymore. if im not pleased, then i can easily change my focus to something that will make me happy.

and right now, the things that im focused on that i KNOW will make me happy are Bonnaroo, graduation, and any party that comes my way.

it's like my eyes have finally been opened. i'm so happy now. i have my eyes set on the future and all the opportunities coming my way. i probably sound kind of crazy, but i'm having revelation after revelation. it's amazing.


sorry for the rant.


"I wish I had one good reason why I should stay. How'd I get myself into this place?"
-Lily Allen, Cherly Tweedy

live and let live.
that's my motto from now on.




"until you find yourself it's impossible to lose you, because i never had you, although i would be glad to."
- Drake, Houstalantavegas

awesome

everyday, i realize more and more how much i love my friends, and how all i really need is them. they just make my day, and without them, i would probably go insane.

all day today, i've been planning my trip to Bonnaroo with Ann, Pat, and Simon and I'm super psyched. Our planning is set and our parents gave the okay, but the only problem is money to pay for the concert ticket and transportation. still, i'll do anything to go.

i need this trip, nothing else matters right now. i just have to go, and im already looking forward to it so much. i've been needing something like this to focus on and keep me distracted. i've been bogged down by school and other issues that i just don't want on my mind anymore. all i want to think about is spending a week with my closest friends traveling and doing crazy things.

pursuit of happiness

love the song, love the lyrics, love the video. definitely my song of the moment.

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good."

"you seem like you have it figured out this year, like things are lining up for jess gawrych."

couldnt be more true.
i'm taking my chances, because last year i didn't. i let fear get in the way of opportunity and i let the best things i had slip away.
not anymore.
i'm going for what i want, and i'm not letting a moment pass me by.
im not wasting my time on things i know for certain i cant attain, or things that i dont desire at all.
i do feel as if everything is figured out and set. i wont let things fall out of place, or let people get in the way of my happiness or ambitions.
this is a new jessica.

i never waste my time. i make sure of that.
i'm going to live it up from now on, while keeping my priorities straight.
all i want is to just graduate and get out. is that too much to ask?

even though i hate reading The Awakening

i still manage to find a good quote or two that clicks with me....


"The present alone was significant; was hers to torture her as it was doing then with the biting conviction that she had lost that which she had held, that she had been denied that which her impassioned, newly awakened being demanded."

i knew 2010 would be my year, but i had no idea it would be this big for me. things are changing, especially me, and in some ways that could be bad or end up poorly, but I cant help but give in to temptation. i'll pay for it all later. i mean, as long as i learn something from it all, then i'll be happy.i feel like i havent learned anything in so long, it's time i start pushing some limits.

everyday is an adventure, and i couldnt ask for more. my friends are the best, and im really glad i have the ones i do.



"i dont care what people say, the rush is worth the price i pay. i get so high when you're with me but crash and crave you when you leave."
-Ke$ha, Your Love is my Drug

I'm always ready for the next best thing. I'm always ready to move on, move up, and just have new experiences. It seems as if I'm prepared to make bigger decisions, to finally live my life, and just do as I please, but unfortunately, there is always something holding me back.
Time. Place. People.
Whatever it is, I could be so set on doing something, but I'm never allowed to go for it. I wish the world would learn to let me live. My parents, my friends, my teachers, complete strangers - all of them need to learn that this is my life I'm living, and even though I'm just a seventeen year old girl, I have a good head on my shoulders, and I'm sure of everything I want in this moment.
I'm fine with taking risks and chances. I'm eager to be alone and independent. I don't need anyone to rely on. I don't need or want anyone to worry about me. I just wish I could be left to take care of myself for once.
I guess I may sound like the typical teen right now, and what I'm whining about is not at all uncommon, but it's just so frustrating to be treated as someone so fragile and helpless, when I'm pefectly capable of taking care of myself. I can't wait for the day when others besides myself will realize this.

"What did other people's deaths or a mother's love matter to me; what did his God or the lives people chose or the fate they think they elect matter to me when we're all elected by the same fate?"
-The Stranger, Albert Camus